Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Hello World!

Have you ever felt that the value of your time was determined by making money or feeling satisfied? Well if you're human like me, of course you have! If it doesn't make us happy or make us money, than we probably have decided that its not worth our time. Well brace yourself for this headliner... Your most valuable time cannot be weighed in gold or measured by happiness. Most of your valuable time will be spent on sacrifice weighed down by struggle. That has been the quintessential growing pain of pursuing purpose for me.

I found myself in a moment of critical self review, after "spending some time" watching a series of video blogs that led me to IG to follow 3 hosts, that led me to a virtual art show, which led me to a community of artists, and back to IG, another website, 5 links, and then to a YouTube interview, and back to IG to follow 4 more profiles, and finally to the disarray of thoughts in my head that began as feeling inspired.

Inspiration soon took a wrong turn and became questions of how will you become successful if you're watching everyone else? They're posting pics, quotes, art, and videos, doing their thing and you're "just looking, searching, and watching." I really told my self this foolishness. I then went on to say, "You won't make it because you're not consistent like them" (as I heard it in my head when an interviewer acknowledged his guest as consistent).

No sooner than I heard the word consistent I grabbed Jay Z's 1st book entitled DECODED and went to my favorite page... "That's the kind of consistency that you can get only by adding dead serious discipline to whatever talent you have." 

I told myself "You don't have what it takes because you're not consistently posting on IG or writing your blog." Not to be gross, but this is the best illustration I have for this kind of half wit thinking, pardon me, buuuttt.... have you ever tasted vomit? Thats exactly what those words in my mouth tasted like to me. What a disgraceful thing to say. Says the artist born with a crayon and now 41 still creating her dreams. That 5 year old artist who made doll clothes from socks until age 16 and at age 38 introduced this favorite childhood past time to her 6 year old niece and spent hours playing and making clothes for dolls. And every niece born before her would get to know their Auntie this way, like Barbie or not! It still hurts me that 3 of my nieces was not felling Barbie and her pretentious life! Lol. Thank God for a Goddaughter who let me have my way. And lets not forget the years long after my grandparents planted God's talents in me, how I consistently created hand-made gifts for my mom with or without any reason or holiday. Just so I could say "Look what I made!" and she would be happy. Every creative moment at school since age-6, summer job 14, grocery job-19, church, family gatherings, internships, new job, new church, and those other creative adventures that provoked me to sacrifice and relocate from home, move away from family, my career, and my comfort zone. Those art schools in DC, Maryland, ATL, NY, Florence and Milan. That new mentor and creative director for Salvatore Ferragamo. The new boss and Brooklyn kid from Marcy projects, or the house you built in Atlanta, Ga. Can't forget about all those magazines you donated to create inspiring quotes on scrap boards with your 20+ room-mates at the women's shelter.

When I say internship, school, church, and family, that's non-paid-sacrifice-valuable time. When I say job, school, church, family, relocate, and shelter, that's struggle also known as valuable time. So when it comes to discipline and consistency, I can honestly say "I have ran this race, and through sacrifice and struggle, I have crossed many finish lines!"

I wont fail because I'm not consistent in all these other things that pays other people or makes other people happy. I will only fail if I give up on the Vision God Gave Me. And one other thing consistent about me is, "I don't know how to Give Up on Me!"

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Hello World!

My pastor recently spoke about why our prayers don’t get answered? My interpretation of what he suggested is getting in the way of our prayers being answered is this; We allow our strongholds and addictions to become the answers to our prayers. And if we don’t let go or overcome these things that seem more life saving than God’s work in us, then we miss out on God's continued Glory in our lives. We block the very blessings that we ask for.

What I have recently learned is that I don’t have a problem with God answering my prayers. He answers them and He delivers them. The problem I have is that when He answers and delivers, I am not ready. I’m not ready for the very things I asked God for because I am often impatient with His process, impatient with His way. I am not ready for His process of elevating my faith to the next level. I am not ready for the new thing God is doing in my life. And When I am not ready for the new thing God is doing, I return to what’s familiar… my strongholds and my addictions. Also known as, What Tenille feels like doing. As my pastor would say, "You put your name there".

My pastor also mentions a primary characteristic of our strongholds being REBELLION. Eureka! This is definitely accurate of me! I am a non-conformist by design. By God’s purpose!

Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Often, even when I have quieted my spirit or my voice, I am rebelling against something. I know this about me. When I disagree, I quietly rebel in spirit or I raise a riot with the sound of my voice. I even raise a riot in my soul and rebel against God! Now that's quite a tenacious (stupid), bold (foolish), and arrogant (prideful) spirit! Nonetheless, I rebel. I believe his characteristic to be the strongest in my stronghold (pun intended). It’s such a chronic disposition in me, that I insist to also rebel against myself. I do not even cooperate with myself at times. My spirit wants to rest with God, but my strongholds tell me to keep moving! Which for many of us ultimately means dodging God.

My! What a tangled web we weave! But I do believe we tangled this web trying to avoid being let down. Please. Please. Please. Help me to put my TRUST in YOU GOD!

Monday, January 22, 2018

Hello World!

I had to "RESET" my mind. It was all over the place filled with so many great ambitions. So many people to connect to and so many ideas to create, and yet life is still moving so I also have errands to do. But at that moment 3 days ago, I was only considering all the work and good deeds in my head and what was thrilling soon became exhausting. It was then I had to stop and realize it is not good for the mind to be busy. A Busy Mind is the indication of a "Lot of Unfinished Work!" Then here comes the Worried Mind that comes flooding in with the fears and anxiety to get these things done! Which unleashes the Survival Mind.  And can't forget about that old faithful mind that makes the final conclusion, the Mind of Despair. And I won't even begin to call out all the other violators of your mind that show up on the scene.

Who needs that drama? 

When I have so many thoughts consuming my mind, then fear and anxiety starts to direct my path. I make quick decisions or no decision at all and and we all know procrastination leads to nowhere. Or the lesser of the two evils, give energy to a little of this and a little of that, believing I'll get further along the path. Now you have a path of destruction, self-defeat, even a war path! A path of sorrow, excuses, and blame.

Who needs that drama?

What's my truth? If my mind is spinning and my path looks uncertain, I'm certain that I am overcompensating for a longing unfulfilled. Some needs gone unmet, a dream unrealized, desires yet to be satisfied. Do yourself a favor and put your mind at ease. It will never be satisfied with all your busyness, anxiety, and despair! 

How do you ease your mind? Im glad you asked. Now wait for God to give you the answer... cause no one in their right mind would dare ask me. But if I may, here's a suggestion...

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Monday, January 15, 2018

Hello World!

Well I got this message yesterday when I got disconnected from online church yesterday. I thought maybe God is trying to tell me something. And He was. Through praying and good snotty crying like I never have before, I heard God say "CHANGE YOUR FOCUS AND YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR MIND. CHANGE YOUR MIND AND YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR ENERGY. CHANGE YOUR ENERGY AND YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE." And so I reasoned, LET IT ALL BE GOD. IF ITS NOT GOD or for GOD than its NOTHING!! Let it GO! So I prayed:

Let It Be YOU GOD!! If it's not You God than its nothing!
The LOVE HOPE DREAMS & Ambitions we have, Let it BE YOU GOD!!  The words we choose. LET IT BE GOD. OUR AMOUR ~ OUR SHIELD ~ OUR SWORD. LET IT BE GOD!! The thoughts of TODAY YESTERDAY OR TOMORROW. LET IT BE GOD!! The thoughts that SHAKE our SPIRIT and the movie reels that play in our heads. LET IT BE GOD!! Our quarreling, hang ups, setbacks & grievances, LET IT BE GOD. The challenges, strongholds, and addictions, whatever they may be; LET THEM NOW BE GOD!!
Our MOTIVATION. Our PEACE Our REST Our JOY... LET IT BE GOD. Our Breath, Our Light, Our Insight, Our WAY, Our WILL, Our MIGHT. LET IT Belong to You GOD! Our Way OUT of darkness, Our Way OVER mountains, Our Way THROUGH valleys and Our WAY INTO GREATNESS.
If it's not YOU GOD than ITS NOTHING!! LET IT GO!! 

Too many of our thoughts get stuck on too many wrong things and I can no longer allow my good creative mind and strong loving heart to be struck down by thoughts that are oppressed by so much sorrow and opposition. I prayed, cried, and pleaded, that God would help me to outdo this trouble in my head. 

Because things happen and life goes on! BUT... it's our thoughts that keep bringing us back to our past troubles. It's our thoughts that magnify our present troubles. It's our thoughts that make us fear, doubt, and be confused and flea from troubles, failures, and disappointments that we have fabricated for our future which has yet to even exist and we don't even know if we will get there. BUT STILL... we grieve our spirits for what we do not even know. How crazy and foolish are we? And now here we are in a single moment of thoughts in our heads turning them into a lifetime of trouble. Pain. Misery. Disappointment. Anger. Bitterness. Arguments. Slander. Un-forgiveness. Hostility. Giving Up emotionally while living on autopilot and always wanting a break from functioning because we function "out of order". 

If it's Not GOD than it's NOTHING!! LET IT GO!!

Stay Tuned...

Bill & Melinda Gates Discovery Center
Seattle, Washington

Saturday, January 13, 2018

Bill & Melinda Gates Discovery Center
Seattle, Washington 2018

Hello World!

Today's post is dedicated to all the wonderful people of God's Creation who brave life under the condition's of a broken heart. As I scrolled through all of YouTube's recommendations for viewing while looking for Tasha Cobbs' glorious song For Your Glory, I read the comments of a woman expressing her battle with depression. I could'nt resist the desire to reply...

ADA... Thank you for sharing your truth. It's a truth that I fight everyday. I resist admitting that I'm depressed, or rather I say, I refuse to claim it. I wont allow myself to define anything that I am going through as depression. Its hard for me to pull the covers from over my head and I lay in darkness for a long while and I tell myself, "its taking a little more time today". Then I get up and sit on the side of my bed for a long while and eventually I tell myself to "get started". The trauma of bad relationships haunt me and I tell myself, "forgive them, they didn't know what to do with their own pain". I know how this behavior is labeled in society and I resist it with every good thing left in me. I won't allow it to claim my whole being. I speak life to it and I move from the space in my mind that gives depression any chance of beating me down. If its memories of the past, than I DECIDE to take one giant step right now in my present. Sometimes its something so simple as sitting there and begin to WRITE in my DREAM journal. Most times its going to my knees and THANKING God for the VISION and FIGHT that I have left in me. Or sometimes its just STANDING to my feet and letting the sun SHINE through my window. If its the disappointment of my present, than I PLAN and ACT on some GREAT vision for my FUTURE.

I have decided that depression is more about the thoughts of MY MIND that I give MY LIFE's ENERGY to, rather than giving into the science matters of it all. That assumes that for some medical reasons, I no longer have a choice. But I DO HAVE A CHOICE of wether I lay in darkness or get up and let the SON shine in. What I do agree with is... its not so easy for me to wake up and be elated. And that's not everyday and that's okay. I don't lock myself into one condition "Depression". I STRUGGLE with it, but it is not the end all be all of who I AM. It is just a small fragment of my mind. I have to consider the other well working parts. There are so many other fragments that are BIGGER. My CREATIVE mind EXPLORES all day long and what I have learned in exploration is that My Life requires moreSTRENGTH. My Life requires more EFFORT. My Life requires more HOPE. My Life requires more PASSION and DESIRE to DREAMBELIEVE, and LIVE andSTRIVE FOR VICTORY. And I do not "mind" at all if I carry a heavier load for such great qualities in me because I get EXCITED when it works! And what's my bottom line... "I would rather suffer for doing good than to suffer because I gave up on myself".

Wake Up World... PLANT lasting seeds!

Friday, January 12, 2018

Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Discovery Center
Seattle, Washington

 Hello World!

Let’s talk about how God turns your trials into TRIUMPH!! I had a 1st class experience that truly unveiled the Goodness, Grace, and Glory of God’s Love. To some it may seem like nothing, but for me, and the little girl inside that fought so many battles for me long before I became the woman I am discovering today, I am amazed at how God works it all out for His Good Will and Purpose. He does not skip a beat! And for that I’m grateful. I’m grateful that when I’m tempted to despair, He provides an escape from my own self-defeat. I’m grateful that even though I have ignored Him time and time again, and turned my heart away from Him for the love of temporary things, that He never withholds His Love from me and has everlasting compassion for my tears. I’m also grateful that He is merciful and does not allow all the consequences that my ill behavior and poor choices deserve, because He is now, and has always been, my Protector and my Provider and not my punisher.

I few years back I began to envision a cross-country trip. One day I would like to touch every state in this great country of ours and I have to admit, that Washington State was the last on my list. To me, it seemed the farthest away and besides the movie, Sleepless in Seattle (which I have never seen), I hadn’t heard much else that really interested me. But would it be cliché to say that Knowledge Unlocks Doors? Because what I experienced in just 3 days enamored me and gave me a greater hope.

Washington State jumped to the top 20 of my cross-country ambitions and made a very great impression on me. I was truly inspired by a visit to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, which also included a self-guided tour of their Discovery Center and Seattle’s Pop Culture Museum with a snapshot of the waterfront. The best way for me to describe why God chose my last location on my cross-country journey to be my first location at this very crucial time in my life (RESET 2018) sparked the image of a good book entitled My Thorns Formed My Crown written by a friend and former colleague, Terrence Jones. In short Terrence Jones speaks about how his trauma gave birth to his purpose. And I believe it is as such for everyone, who has truly persevered through relentless trauma. Some may come to know their purpose through 'purely' good guidance and loving support. Some of us, like me, may have felt that we almost missed it, with our eyes being blinded and our hearts being darkened by so many unfortunate circumstances. But by some miracle, God is working it all out for my Good and in the meanwhile, I am gaining more and more Freedom to Trust and Believe. Stay Tuned World

Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Discovery Center
Seattle, Washington

Hello World! Have you ever felt that the value of your time was determined by making money or feeling satisfied? Well if you're h...